SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey village, before we dive in, if you haven't already, hit follow on your favourite podcast platform. It takes two seconds, it costs nothing, and it means the world to me. Right. Let's go! Hi, I'm Maiva, and this is Racing with the Village. A podcast where real parents share real stories so we can all feel a little more connected on this wild journey of raising children. And welcome back, Village! We are back, and I could not have asked for a better story to open this new chapter with. Today, I'm talking to Beth. Beth is a single mum raising her son on her own. And from the very first moment we started talking, I knew that this episode was going to be something special. Because this is not a birth story. This is a life story. It is a story about what happens after the baby arrives. About what it really means to carry everything, every decision, every slipless night, every worry, every milestone, entirely on your own. About the kind of exhaustion that doesn't show up on a face, but leaves it somewhere much deeper. The exhaustion of being the only one. Always. Let's do that lens for a moment. And then imagine facing every single one of those nights alone. Here is what makes the story so extraordinary. She did not just survive it, she planned for it. From pregnancy, she was already thinking ahead about the village she was going to need and how she was going to build it. She joined a birthing group to start making connections before her son even arrived. She said yes. Yes to every free group, every morning coffee, every invitation, because she understood early on that a yes for herself was a yes for her son too. And the mums she met along the way. Well, they became her extended family. We talk about what it means to make the big decisions of life without a partner to turn to. And I mean all of them. Which school to choose. Every crossroads, every conversation you would normally have at the end of the day with someone who loves your child as much as you do. Beth has those conversations with herself. And yet she shows up to this conversation with so much energy, so much drive, so much warmth and enthusiasm that I found myself thinking she is not despite her circumstances. She is because of what she has built around them. Because what Beth will tell you, and what I believe will be everything I have after this conversation is that the obstacles can be overcome, but not alone. But when you surround yourself with your village. Hi!

unknown 4:10

Hi.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

How are you? I'm good, Jake. I'm very good, thank you. Before we start getting into today's story, shall we do some introductions?

SPEAKER_03 4:21

We can. I'm Beth and I am a single mum to one four-year-old. Busy life? Very busy.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

Easy, easy. You'll see when they grow up, you'll see when they're teenagers. I I hate it when people say that in my life. But you were there too. Yeah, absolutely. Right, so um we you and I had a quick conversation before we started the recording. And we agreed, I think we can say, to go on the theme of the mentor load. And I think to set some context to that, one of the reasons why I thought it was so relevant with your story is because of your family setup. So shall we start maybe with that? Do you want to tell me a little bit of your family setup?

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Yeah, so I am a single mum and I have been since uh pregnancy. So all the way through, there is no father figure um in my child's life. It is uh just the two of us rocking it out.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

Sorry, we'll we'll probably come back to that, but when you say there is no feather figure, so I understand that um there is no second parent involved uh in your child's life. Is there not a feather figure? Or multiple feather figures actually?

SPEAKER_03 5:42

Yes, so there is not uh uh let's say an immediate father figure, um, but I definitely have my own little village on the go. Um and we have granddad and we have three uncles, so we are very lucky in the uh role model um situation, and I feel um I feel very lucky that that is that you know, that our life and our family is set up that way, and it does help really support my situation.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, sorry, it's just uh obviously I know a little bit of your um story from before we started recording, and I just thought that it's important, and not just within your story, but probably within other stories, to acknowledge that Father Figure is not necessarily a dad. Absolutely. Um Father Figure can be lots of people. Um and that's one thing that I love in your story, that you have multiple feather figures actually for your little one.

SPEAKER_03 6:41

Yeah, and we have lots of people taking steps to make uh us a whole So shall we start at the very beginning?

SPEAKER_00 6:50

So now obviously we've got the understanding that from um fairly early on in the pregnancy it was you and baby. And the first thing that comes to mind for me is what's it like going through a pregnancy when you have no immediate partner next to you?

SPEAKER_03 7:12

What what was your experience with so I like we said I am very lucky. Um I know that there are lots of people in lots of different sort of setups and family situations who are not as blessed, I suppose, with their family as I am with mine. Um and I was okay from the beginning because my mum's a midwife and I had on, and that's you know, it was just perfect that I had my on-site, you know, help all the time. Um and she was just fantastic. She came to every appointment. I was never on my own for anything. Um, and if my mum wasn't available, then somebody else came. If it was a friend or another family member, um, I remember one time a brother was really interested in seeing a scan um because he doesn't have his own children, so he asked if he could come to a scan, and then he was just question, question, question. And I was thinking, you've got to stop. We're gonna we're gonna be asked to leave in any moment now. So um I was really lucky in that, and obviously my own personal midwife is a family friend. Oh so um I was really, you know, that was really helpful in in those sort of setups. So even though I went and, you know, saw the consultant and went and had my scans and everything like that, I was really lucky in the sense that if I had any additional questions or I was worried, um, then I could always go to my mum. So that um would helped me, you know, through those sorts of issues, any issues that came up with pregnancy. And obviously, you know, growing up in a family where your mum is a midwife, you hear a lot and you learn a lot. Um, so I was quite um what's the word? I was quite open and knowledgeable, so to speak. I mean, for example, I did NCT to make the friends, not not for the knowledge. I did it to make the friends. Um interesting. Yeah. So my mum was like, you know, you don't have to go. And I was like, I do, because I I need to be able to text other people who are awake at, you know, one o'clock in the morning. I said, I want to have a little group that, you know, I can do things with and I can have, you know, that sort of support. Um, and that's why I'm going.

SPEAKER_00 9:29

Now that's that's super interesting because actually I was coming up with a question in my mind, but um, you've brought another one that I think is probably even more relevant right now, which is at what point did you start thinking about that I have this support, but what about maybe a more either emotional support or almost like a peer support? Because your partner would be, by definition, your peer. Um and it sounds like you started thinking about that really early on, because that's the reason why you signed up for NCT. Again, not for the more technical aspect of it, the oh, this is how birth is gonna go, blah, blah, blah. Um, but more the this is where I'm gonna start building my village, my connections.

SPEAKER_03 10:13

Yeah, absolutely. Um, I mean, when I as soon as I was kind of over, you know, the 12 weeks or so, um, you know, I was like, yeah, I'm I'm definitely going to look into that because it's really important, especially, you know, even though I've got a fantastic family, they're not gonna spend every minute with us or they're not gonna come to baby classes or things like that. And I definitely wanted to kind of find that tribe that was going to be the new section of our life. Um, so I knew that I definitely wanted to go to these classes, but I also really tried to think of it strategically because I thought to myself, right, there's where I live and there's where my family lives. I'm probably going to spend a reasonable amount of time with my family. So let's do NCT where they live. So, you know, then the people who come to NCT will probably be reasonably local to there, and it just makes it, I think, a bit easier all around. Um, so that's kind of what I looked for, and then obviously matched up with the group that I did. And I'm really grateful that it all worked out that way because you know, our NCT group is still four years later fantastic.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

That that is amazing. Yeah. That is amazing.

SPEAKER_03 11:25

Yeah, really lucky. I mean, we really, you know, I know we're skipping a bit here, but we did really um were very supportive of each other and you know, lots of meetups and staying in touch and everything like that. And I don't think everybody gets that. I don't think everyone has gone to NCT and necessarily ended up with still speaking and supporting each other and um, you know, going to each other's, you know, parties and things like that the way that we have. So um I think it was um a really good choice um that I made. And I was really happy that I did it, and I would absolutely have done that again.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Is there are there any other places that you would recommend for someone who's pregnant and knows that they're going to be a sole parent to their child to come? Are there any other places that you would recommend?

SPEAKER_03 12:12

I never looked at anything as a single parent type situation. I just looked at it as I'm a mum. I'm a mum with a baby because the majority of places you go to, 90% somebody is there on their own with their child. It's not a family day out. You know, everyone, other the other person might be at work, um, whether it's the mum or the dad. Um, you know, if you've got any other siblings, they might be at school or nursery or whatever that sort of setup is. So I never really looked to find anybody who was a single parent. That wasn't my goal. I just wanted to go down the route of what classes will be, will we really enjoy going to? And I think the starting off block actually came from with the NCT. So obviously, we already had that kind of friendship there. Then there was a bit of a discussion about what classes are you going to go to and things like that. And I'm very close with one of the members of my NCT, and she sort of mentioned that she was thinking about going to this class. You know, would I go there? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. Like I'm really open. But also, we really did try to home in on what the community provides. So, you know, going to the local children's centre. Um, we went down to the local children's centre where they had the free classes and they've got the stay and the play, and we really utilized that. We did baby massage twice because the babies fell asleep continuously, and I don't think anybody learned anything. Um, and we did a couple of other classes there, and you really got to build a really nice bond with the other people, but also the work, the people who work there were all really lovely as well. And actually, that's where my friendship group then grew. So I had my NCT, and then it was actually at the children's centre where I met the other girls that we're now really friendly with, and obviously past that that group grew, and then more people sort of joined in until we ended up with this really lovely mummy group.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

So obviously, here we've jumped a little bit. We have jumped. We have jumped. That's my fault. I'm such a wanderer. No, no, no. That was really good because it really helps me understand where your uh mindset was at before baby came. But actually, speaking of that, shall we jump into baby arrival? Um, what was it like for you? So, first of all, where where did you live during your pregnancy? Because you've mentioned that you're very close to your family. Did you stay at h did you stay with your parents at home?

SPEAKER_03 14:37

No, so I stayed living where I live. Um, but whenever I wanted or felt like I needed some extra company, I would just come over and stay over. There was always a room. Um and you know, I just sort of let myself in whenever I was like, oh, I'm just staying, I'm not going home. Um, but I also did live with a friend. So I wasn't on my own on my own. Definitely towards the end of the pregnancy, if my friend was staying out, um there were times where I felt like, oh, actually, it's you know, the pregnancy has kind of got much further along now. I'm not really sure I want to be here on my own, like if something happened in the night. So there were occasions where I kind of got in my mind a little bit, and then I would go home for a night or so um just to make sure I had a bit of company. Um and I was really lucky that that was, you know, obviously an option to be able to go and do that. And obviously, if it wasn't, I would have been okay. Um, but if it is there, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna take it.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

No, you might as well. Um so getting closer to your due date, what happened? Did baby come on their due date a bit earlier? Bit later.

SPEAKER_03 15:47

No, so I was really lucky. I have to admit, I was really worried about pregnancy. I'm not in the best shape. I'm an older mum, and I was thinking to myself, oh gosh, I am gonna get every rough ride that is, you know, coming. It's gonna, I'm just gonna be a mess. And pregnancy was a dream. I just I always envisaged in my head, I don't know why. I didn't, even though I wanted a ring on my finger, I never saw the ring on my finger. I always saw myself pregnant. So I was just thrilled that I was having a baby, and I just went with everything. I just felt that people were so much nicer to you. Do you know what I mean? They were like opened the door and they got off and you got to sit down. I was like, wow, this is just like VIP treatment. Um, I found that bit that was always really nice, and um, yes, it was really great, but also like when I was pregnant, so I I had a bad back before I was pregnant, and I thought to myself, you know, I'm gonna end up bedridden, bent over, everything like that. And it was literally, and any other little igles that I had used to get quite a few headaches and things like that. It was literally like the baby just took all of that away. I did actually do some reading about it, and it sells said that the baby, you know, sends off cells and things like that, can go in and heal heal the mother's body. So I was I just was great. You know, you're you there are obviously obviously moments you're uncomfortable and things go on, but all in all, for what I was dreading, that never really happened for the majority of the pregnancy. So I always knew that I was gonna have an elective c-section. Um, I thought I did not, I'm not one of these people who is all about this miracle of pushing this baby out and we're hypnobirthing or anything like that. Everyone, each to their own, but that was not how um I just wanted the drugs and I wanted both of us to survive. That was my whole birth plan. Um, and I knew that I was gonna have an elective C-section. So, of course, I wanted to have the elective C-section at 38 weeks because I was panic mode, like, what if the baby comes early and then I end up going into labour and I'm not going to be able to deal with it? I cannot deal with pain. So I was like, this is not gonna be good. So anyway, I was like begging, can I have this baby early? And he was like, No, no, no, you are not having this baby before 39 weeks, it's not necessary. You know, we don't like to do C-sections early unless there's a reason, you know, 39 weeks will be fine. So I'd accepted the 39 weeks, had planned work, you know, obviously around that and everything else about what I was going to when I was gonna leave. And I was trying to work as long as possible to obviously utilise the time afterwards. So I just remember that so that was all planned and everything like that. And then it was a I think it was a Saturday, and I was at my mum's, and I decided that I was gonna stay over, and we were just sitting there, and I just sort of said to her, I really don't feel well. And she was like, What do you think it is? And I was like, I don't know, it's not a feeling I've ever felt before. It's not a stomachache, it's not a headache, I just don't feel okay. So we just kind of sat there for a little while and things like that, and saw sort of saw how it went. And um, I said to her, Maybe we should just check my blood pressure. So obviously, being a midwife, she was able to do that. So she checked my blood pressure. Actually, your blood pressure's high. I'm not really happy about it. I was like, okay, she goes, but let's sleep on it and see what the situation is. So went to sleep, and then the next day we checked it again. She was like, No, I'm I'm not okay with the blood pressure. We're gonna have to go to the hospital. And when we went to the hospital, um, for these types of things, you had no choice but to go to AE. So we had to sit in A E um and be seen. And they were like, Yeah, your blood pressure's a bit high, and your heart rate is not as it should be. Um, and I was like, Is my heart rate off because I'm pregnant, or is my heart rate off because I we've discovered a problem? They were like, We can't tell, we don't know. So you'll have to just have an outpatient's appointment whenever we can get you one. So there was no rush on that. So I was like, okay, and they're like, Well, we're gonna have to give you something for blood pressure. So I said, okay, that was fine. So this was on the Sunday. So I then spoke to my boss and explained that I'd had this irregular heart situation going on with a high blood pressure, and she said, Okay, well, you can't come in at the moment until you've just had a bit of time to see what's going on there because you know it might not be okay. So, anyway, then so that was I contact them on the Monday. So then on the Tuesday, I actually had my last consultant appointment. So I was 37 weeks. Um, and again, I was having my blood pressure taken. Now the blood pressure was sky high. I felt like it was sky high because the woman doing it I felt was being a bit rough. Um, and by the point that she had it hurt a little bit, I don't think it was going well, so I think I was getting worked up. Then she kept trying to do it, and I think it just kept going up and up and up rather than just having a bit of time out and then sort of seeing if um, you know, we could try again. But anyway, they did four blood pressures and they were all high. And then we went in to see the consultant and he was like, I'm you know, I'm not okay with this. You know, you're gonna have to have your baby on Thursday. So my mum looked at him and said, I'm really sorry, but I just got a skip for the garden. Right, we're clearing out the garden, we're absolutely not having a baby on Thursday. Sorry, what? Yeah. She was like, No, I'm not I'm not scheduled in a baby for this week. Um, I'm scheduled in a gardens clearance. So um we're not ready to have a baby. And he was like, I'm really sorry. He said, But you're either going to have to come in twice a day for the next two weeks, or you're going to have to have a baby on Thursday. Now bear in mind this is six o'clock on a Tuesday evening. And um I'm like, oh my gosh, like, you know, I haven't, I haven't left work, I haven't packed the hospital bag, I haven't done, you know, and I'm a bit superstitious, I don't have everything. So I was like, okay, this is really like all hands on deck. And obviously, on top of that, I had to pick um a friend as as my birthing partner. Um, and when I went and spoke to her and everything, she couldn't come on a Thursday. They had a friend's wedding, she couldn't miss it. So that all was like, all kind of kind of went out the window a little bit. And I was like, okay, we'll we'll we'll we'll we'll sort. This out. So it was all kind of hands on deck. But of course, the funny thing was that previously one of the NCT um friends was also having a C-section, and her C-section was booked for the Thursday. And I said to her jokingly, I bet we end up in hospital beds next to each other. And we did. So I thought that was highly hilarious. So anyway, then it was it was all kind of, oh my gosh. And he said to me, the reason that I feel like you have to have your baby earlier, he said I think you're getting preeclampsia.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

I was gonna say high blood pressure.

SPEAKER_03 22:35

He said, You've got this high blood pressure, your heart rate's a bit off, you're not feeling a hundred percent. Um, he said, and I just I feel like baby's not going to want to wait too much longer. Um, so then of course started the whole process about what was going to happen. I had to have a steroid injection. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

That was um So, like, are we talking huge needle?

SPEAKER_03 23:00

Do you know what? It's not the needle, it's the stuff that goes in, the liquid. It's the liquid that hurts. So the woman warned me, and now I'm needle phobic. So when this woman then starts telling me how painful this injection's going to be, I'm looking at my mum like, save me now. Um, because I am a such a wuss when it comes to this sort of thing. So anyway, she was not joking. Sorry for anyone who ever has to have one. Um, but yeah, that steroid injection was that was um breathtaking away moment. And uh then, of course, you had to have another one on Thursday morning before your C-section, so it's two. Um sorry, what's the the injection for so this is because baby was coming early and the lungs may not be as developed as they need to be, so you have to have the steroid injection to try and help that process along. Um, so obviously, I'll do you know whatever you have to do to make sure baby's okay. And then um on the Thursday morning, you know, we were kind of being a bit chilled because I was feeling I was going later on in the day um and that my friend was going to go before me. That was kind of what I'd been told. And then you go to triage um, you know, and you have the baby monitor on to check that everything's okay. And while I was there and they they had the they were checking the baby's heart, my consultant happened to walk past, so he popped in to say, Hi, you know, hope everything's okay. So then he came over and started looking at the readings, and he was like, Yeah, you're gonna have to go first. And I was thinking, What like I'm I'm not gonna heart go first, like my friend's going first, like don't don't bump my friend. Um, and he was like, No, I'm really sorry, everyone else here is stable, but baby is unsettled. Um, I'm not 100% happy with the heart rate, and we're we're not gonna wait, you're you're going to go first. So then it was very much hands-on deck. Um, I didn't feel panicked, but it was rushed. So it was straight from triage into the bed, you know, quickly get the gown on, get the special socks on, sign this form, sign this form, you know, this might happen, this might happen, you know, what you're allergic to. You know, there was just numerous people coming and going, all at the same time trying to get out the information that they needed. Um, you know, putting on your band and the red one for what you're allergic to and sort of everything like that. So it it was very quick from having a friendly chat in triage to we're about to go in. I mean, bear in mind, I think I was in triage at half seven, eight in the morning. My baby was born at ten past six minutes past ten. In the morning. In the morning. Wow. So you know, it was because the first person I'm assuming goes down around 9, 9.30, and you know, we were kind of being quite chilled about the getting ready. Like my friend was already, you know, in her bed ready and everything like that. So I popped my head round um to say sorry. I'm sorry that we're going in front of you. She was like, no, not at all. And I thought it was hilarious that we ended up in these beds next to each other. Um, so yeah, it was all very quick from that point, and we went, and obviously, again, my next big issue was the epidural being needle phobic. Um, I was really like, oh my gosh, like this is massive. I don't know if I can just, you know, you're just really trying to stay calm. But um, the woman who was looking after me, she was just fantastic. She held both my hands, she talked to me, and the person who did it was phenomenal. And I have to admit, I didn't really feel anything. Um, you know, for such a big kind of moment in that way. I I didn't really feel anything. And, you know, also they made sure the anesitist did the cannula, um, you know, because that's um for me. So it was all very, they were fantastic, they were absolutely fantastic. Um, and then yeah, it was all very, you know, not panicked or rushed. It was the first one of the day. But I wasn't ready to be first. So they were ready for the first one of the day. I just wasn't ready to be the first person. Um, so yeah, so that was it. So then um baby came and I think I was just I was in a bit of shock actually. What I I I've I actually only had this conversation recently with my mum, but I was sort of saying to her that I found it very hard to stay present. And she said that shouldn't really happen. Like you should have said to somebody that you were finding it difficult to stay within the moment. But I thought to myself, you've had drugs, you know, you're tired, you're a bit overwhelmed, you're you're finding it hard to kind of stay awake and stay within what was everything that was going on. Um so yeah, it was the only one request I had, which was a bit of a family joke, but I didn't know what the baby was going to be. So I wanted to be able to say, is it a Boris or a Doris? That's just what we came up with. I don't know why. And so then the woman's uh the midwife said to me, Beth, it's time to ask. And the baby was coming out, and so I asked, and they were like, Oh, it's a Boris. Um, and uh, you know, I had also jokingly said to the consultant, you know, feel free to sort of, you know, a bit of liposuction in there would be a treat at this moment in time, and then at the end he brought me over a little pea of fat, about this big, and was like, Yeah, pea size. He goes, I took that out for you. I'm like, thank you so much, appreciate that. Um, but that was it, yeah. So baby came out, and then um they brought the baby over to me. Um, and you know, you know, as a mum yourself, it's uh big moment, but you're mixed emotions and it's a bit like, is this real? Is this my baby? Is this really a sort of happening? And then um babies went off for checks and everything like that, and then that was it, you're wheeled back and you're taking it all in.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

And exactly that. You're wheeled back and you're taking it all in. At what point does it down on you that it's show time now, that's it. I've been preparing for it for week I'm I'm gonna say weeks, but actually probably you've been preparing for it for you know a lot longer. What's it like? Babies here.

SPEAKER_03 29:09

I I will say something actually, in case there are other people who end up on their own like I did. This was never my dream. Oh, my dream was big. My dream was this perfect man, and I was gonna be married at 28 with four children, and 28, that's what I told my mum. When my mum told me how old I remember telling my mum how old she was when I was younger. Um, and then I ended up having a baby older than she had her fourth. So, um, but yeah, my I had the dream, you know, I wanted to meet someone really special, and um, I have to admit that as time went on, I felt a desperation. I and the desperation was like, oh my gosh, like the time you meet someone, you get to know them, and then you plan having a baby together, you know, time is really ticking on, and I really started to feel that as I was really hitting into my 30s. Um, and I was really panicked about it, and I did, I felt a desperation for somebody, and I was like, oh my gosh, I desperately need to meet someone, I'm gonna be all by myself, it's gonna be awful, and everything like that. When my baby was born, that all went away. My gap, my desperation, my whole, it was never the perfect man. It was my child. And as soon as I had my child, that gap just completely filled in. So it was never about. I think the desperation was I need this man to be able to have a baby and everything like that. Um, but once I had my child and we were just on our own and it was just us, and you know, it's not ideal, but it's okay. Yeah. And I would take that a thousand times over by not having by not having him. Um, and when and when that gap filled, I was like, I just felt like I could breathe. I was like, wow, this is this is what they want. So, you know, I want people to know that if you're ever, you know, in that sort of you're in that panic mode or anything like that, you know, it's not necessarily about trying to find this perfect man to have your baby, maybe it's just about having your baby. Um, so yeah, so it was great. And then, you know, you're sort of just there, and we're a very big, wider family, and I thought it'd be really funny to um surprise somebody, like an aunt, my godmother. So I ended up FaceTiming her with the baby on me, and she was like, Oh my god, that was it all sort of a hell broke loose over there and everything like that. But yeah, it was all very we were very much in the deep end. I know lots of people sort of planned we won't see family for two weeks, no one's coming to visit. That does not rock in our house. That's not how I mean I went home and everybody was there. Um, and we were very lucky. Like my mum stayed overnight with me, which was really great. And actually, again, I was thinking, oh my gosh, like a C-section. I was really waiting for, you know, all of this awfulness to, I've been waiting a long time for the awfulness to kind of hit me of what's going to be really rough. Um, and I was really lucky. I had a fantastic consultant who ended up doing the neatest C-section I've ever seen. Um, and you know, I had baby at just gone 10 o'clock, about six hours later, Katheta was out. I was out of the bed. I walked myself down the corridor to the toilet. Um, I went to the toilet by myself. So, you know, you know, sometimes you need help with that.

SPEAKER_00 32:32

Um, so pleased with that.

SPEAKER_03 32:35

Yeah, I was really I wasn't trying to, you know, think, oh my gosh, you want to know the baby, you've got to be hardcore. None of that. I was just doing what my body allowed me to do. But I also didn't want to be in a situation where I just lay there thinking I had to lie here because I've had major surgery. Um, you know, because that's not necessarily the case. Don't overdo it, but also don't feel like you can't do anything. So I just kind of took the steps that I felt that I could take. Um, and then obviously we had the first night and got up the next day, had a shower, got dressed, left at lunchtime um with all my bits and bobs. And then my mum told me that I could come and live with her for two weeks, and we stayed for four months. So um we did uh so I did everything by myself in the evenings. I did all the nights. I've always done the nights by myself. Um, I feel like that's my baby, that's my responsibility. Nobody else should have to lose sleep. Um, I do remember one of the nights the baby was really crying, and my dad, bless him, came in and picked the baby up off me and it's like, let me take a moment, take a moment, um, or whatever. And then he'd write the baby back to sleep and put the baby back down. Um, but yeah, I don't expect, you know, I didn't expect anyone else to have to take the baby or anything like that. Um, so yeah, we did uh we stayed for four months and it was just nice because you know you get that witching hour where you don't know what's wrong, and I don't think the baby has a clue what's wrong, but we're just gonna cry for this hour solidly anyway. It was just so nice because obviously I saw friends in the day, I had my family, and my mum and I used to get into this little routine where we'd bring the baby up in the Moses basket, sit on her bed and watch something together, and we would just do the witching hour together for those first few months. Um, you know, and it I think it was really special for them as well. Like first grandchild. It was lovely to have those sort of moments um that they had with um the baby as well, which was really nice. But I also, when you know, when we got back, I was carrying the baby pretty much straight away in the motor's basket up and down the stairs. I think on day six of recovery, I spent eight hours in a national trust. I wouldn't recommend that now that I look back. I was shattered by the end of it. That was too much. Um, but I thought to myself, do you know what? I feel okay. I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out. I drove from day 12. Um, you know, and also, you know, there is that element of you know, it's just you, you no one's gonna be driving you around, you know. But I didn't feel pressure and I didn't pressure myself to do anything that I shouldn't do. I went with what my body was okay with, and again, I just felt so lucky, you know, that I was able to um be like that and do those sort of things.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Yeah. Yeah, I was gonna ask, like, was it because you wanted to, or was that because you felt like you had to? No. It feels like it came from the right place.

SPEAKER_03 35:39

It came from I wouldn't put pressure on myself, none of my family would put pressure on me. I I mean my mum was not happy about the National Trust situation. Um, you know, because she said you're pushing yourself further than you need to or is necessary. Like you don't have to be out and about on the first week of your child being born. Um and yeah, and obviously we had a lot of visitors, you know, there was a lot of um sort of love coming our way, whether it was in person or it was the cards or the gifts, like I was inundated. Um actually that was quite overwhelming, more than I think the the birth was, you know, all this love sort of um being showed on, you know, sort of showered on us through these messages and these cards and these beautiful gifts and um everything like that. Um, but yeah, it was I think you know, it was just go, go, go from day one. Um, but I just kind of went with what I felt like my body could could deal with. And I was really lucky. I know that obviously some people do not have great C-sections and it can take a long time to recover and things like that. Um but you know, I was I was lucky in in that kind of way. I actually felt I ended up having back surgery when my baby was about 10 months old. That was harder than the C section because you know, I was bedridden before I had the back surgery. I just something wasn't right, and it just all started out with like a bit of sciatica. This then developed eventually into not being able to walk, being bent over. Um so obviously after the four months I'd moved back to my um my home. Um, and then I ended up having to come back at the point where I could no longer I couldn't carry the baby. Um so I couldn't carry the baby, and then it was like all the sort of family were trying to help out. Then we had another family emergency at the same time in a different country. So the family had to fly between the other country and here to try and help look after me and my other family member. So it was all very much go. So that was very difficult because the baby had to sit on the bed with me and we had to have everything that we needed for however long it was going to be till someone else could come and help us out. Um, so that was the hardest point I've had um physically with um my child. And um then I had to have back surgery in London. Um, and it was our first night apart, and I didn't cry because I had back surgery. I cried my eyes out knowing that I was going to sleep without my child for the first time. That was really difficult. Um so I had two nights away from um him, and then of course, when I got home, I still didn't have the strength to hold him, and I just remember crying at the dinner table because someone else was holding the baby and I couldn't, and that was uh that was the hardest that I've had, I think, in our you know, in our journey, so to speak. That was that was the toughest. But again, the amazing family, you know, to have back surgery to be uh, you know, looked after and for someone to be there to hold your child, you know, to do those things that you can't do, is um yeah, I was very lucky again that to have that.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

So obviously just now we've spoken about a huge challenge, very big challenge. Um another thing that I'm interested in is what about the daily life? More of the little, you know, like I don't know, percent of the life, all the little micro decisions, the m you know, micro thinking you have to do um on your uh uh day-to-day life.

SPEAKER_03 39:38

Um I mean I've always tried to feel like I'm s uh hardcore in some ways, that I can, you know, I'm quite independent and I can do things. There's definitely a section of me that needs another another voice. Um, you know, when it came to baby names and my mum didn't want to get involved, she was like, this is your decision. I was like, but I need, I've got to bounce this off you. Like I just can't seem to make this decision without talking it through. And I would hate to name my child a name that you really just didn't like. Um, and I know obviously if you're in a in a couple and you make that decision, your family just has to accept it. But I was more open, I'm much more open to things when it's just you. I'm open to listening and to opinions and to advice. Um, so that was so in the end, she gave in and we did have um discussions about um what the baby would be called. Um I have to also admit, you know, one of my MCT friends who I am really close to, the girl I talked about earlier, um, I think my friends in my close group have learned that I am someone who needs an opinion. Now, whether they've just accepted that because I'm their friend and hopefully they love me as I love them, or whether they feel like it's, you know, they understand because I'm on my own, that they're happy to do it, or they're just really great girls anyway. But this NCT friend, she was fantastic because I was a bit of a worrier and I was like, is baby too hot? Is baby too cold? What should I put? So I literally I don't even know how many times I text her throughout the nights. What did you what did you put your baby in to go to bed tonight? What's your thermometer say? And then she was just great, and she'd be like, So baby's in this tonight and for this reason and whatever. And we used to go through the picture, you know, but it shows you what baby should wear on what temperature, and she was like, check the picture, and then but she would just let she would just she would never say to me, Do you know what, Beth? We've done this 20 times. She'd just accepted it, and she'd would just text me back and say, This is what baby's in. And it just, even though my baby was in the same, it was just nice to know that I was I was okay, you know, I got it right, and baby was as baby should be. So she was fantastic all the way through, and I really did um, you know, lean on her if I needed to speak to somebody or ask for an opinion, and she never made me feel like it was an inconvenience or anything like that. She just went with it. Um, I think she's very naturally that sort of person anyway. And then obviously, as our friendship grew and we formed all these different, you know, groups and things like that, and I have like a really close circle at the moment. And if I do find a decision difficult, um I will reach out to them. And it doesn't matter how many times I ask for something or I look for something, they don't ever make me feel like it's a burden. They are like, okay, this is what I've done, or what did you think? Or we might have like a little group discussion about something. Um, but they have been, you know, they are really great in those sort of little everyday things. And obviously, as you go along, you learn a lot and you sort of make these decisions for yourself, or you might speak to a family member. Um, or like I said, I like our message the girls. Um so those kind of day-to-day decisions, they're kind of okay. I mean, I I even I think I'm definitely asked someone before, are you wearing shorts today or are you wearing trousers? You know, I just worry that it's and I pack like we're going on holiday on a daily basis. Every I've got stuff for everything. Um, just in case I'm a bit over the top like that, just to make sure that he has all everything that he could possibly need at any point um at any time. Um but yeah, the girls are fantastic and they have made my life and my journey and my situation so much better than if I'd not met them. Like I felt like I was meant to meet. I always knew my I never had amazing friends. I've got some really good single friends, but I never had like an amazing group of friends. And I always felt like when I was a mum, I would meet my people, you know, the people that I was going to be really good friends with, and that is how it that has happened. Um, you know, and they are super supportive. Um, you know, even like when the baby was smaller, if the baby was sick, you know, it was like I can pop round with some cowpol if you need it, or are you okay? Okay, do you need this? Do you need that? Um, you know, they were really great. And even now, you know, if I I'm a bit worried about, oh my gosh, like I've got to do this and I can't take my child to that, and I don't have somebody, I might say, you know, could somebody have him for a little while? Um, and if everyone's able, you know, if they're able to do that, they absolutely will. Um, so it's really great in that. Bigger decisions um, you know, are harder, especially obviously as the parent, when the decisions that you're really meant to make, um you can't really be claiming to friends, well, what are you doing? What are you doing? Like you can ask and you can have opinions and stuff like that, but at the end of the day, everyone's child is different. My child is different to everyone else's child, their child's different to my child, and they need different things. And I have to be very conscious of what you know what he needs and making the right sort of decisions for him. Um, so obviously, our most recent um uh uh battle, I suppose, was schools.

SPEAKER_00 44:59

Of course, with a four-year-old.

SPEAKER_03 45:00

With a four-year-old. So that I thought was gonna be a walk in the park. I was literally like, Joe, I've got this. I'm a teacher, not a problem. Oh my gosh. I think it was hands down one of the most stressful periods of time of my life, and I felt physically unwell making this decision. So as a mum, I would have picked a certain school, but as a teacher, I couldn't pick that school.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 45:29

So I had to try and find a happy medium of uh what I know as a teacher and who my child is and what my child needs, and try and meet in the middle. And I had battled, I thought I was gonna do what I'll have that application done months in advance. Don't worry about deadline. There I was, minutes, minutes before the deadline, trying to make this decision. And you know, I made, I did make a I did make mistakes with this panic decision, but again, back and forth, in particular with one friend who is also a teacher. I think I drove her crazy. What do you think of this school? What do you think? We did all of our tours together. So it was like, what do you think? What do you think? And of course, because we're teachers, we asked lots of questions that don't normally get asked. Um, and I remember we went on a couple of tours twice, once as a mum and once as a teacher, so that we could take it all in as a mum and what they had to offer. And then we went with a full list of like 19 questions, just wandering around, following this person or the head teacher, whoever's doing the tour, asking all of these questions. I think at one point we had somebody like hanging about with us, or like, where did you get these questions from? Like, we're following you on this tour so we can get because you ask questions that people don't necessarily think of. They thought, oh my god, I never thought of asking those questions. Um so I'm sure I drove her absolutely crazy through that process. I was driving myself crazy. Um, I don't think my mum wanted to speak about it anymore. I was driving her crazy, but she was like, you have to just go with what you really think is best. But one of the things that very much stayed in my mind was we moved house when I was younger, and I was in year three at the time, and we moved to a completely different area. We went to a completely different school, and I was not okay about it. I was quite a shy child, and I did not settle. I did not settle well at all. I remember I cried all the time. And now as a teacher, I know that that was anxiety. Obviously, back then, nobody was on board with ADHD or anxiety or whatever it was. It was just, oh, she's crying. She wants her mum, she doesn't feel well. And that's obviously how it manifests that you feel like you're gonna be sick, like you've got a stomachache. Um, I used to spend a lot of time crying in the book corner, or I sat in the secretary's lap, things like that. And they never even called my mum. Like she didn't even know that this was going on. So I do that very much because obviously it was very traumatic for me as a child, it stays very much in my mind. Um, and I didn't want to make that choice for my child. I didn't want to make the wrong choice where I would then regret it and then he'd have to move, knowing how I felt about moving. I mean, people move house, children are resilient. It just so happened that I wasn't as resilient as ideally you would want somebody to be. Um of course, you know, you get over it and you move on and everything like that. But I just didn't want knowing that I've gone through that, I didn't want that for him. So I decided on the school. When I did the tours, I decided on a certain school. My heart told me this was my child to a T. Then obviously, once the teacher brain kicked in and I knew other things, I decided this couldn't be the school as much as I wanted it to be. So I decided what was good. I was between one and two anyway. So I decided that the other school was going to be the school that was best as a teacher and as a mum. And then we didn't get the school. So I couldn't believe it. I was I was shocked. Um, and of course, what had then happened was as well, is in my panic not to get a school that I really didn't want in our area, I put down a school out of our area thinking, well, the catchment's so small, you're never gonna get it. And then, of course, I got this school out of catchment. So obviously, then I learned that it's a huge low birth rate year, that there are vacancies across the board in schools that never have vacancies, and they are reaching out to all boroughs to try and fill these gaps. And when I literally when I opened up this email and saw this school, I was like, no, that's five and a half miles away. I can't have got this school, I can't have got it. I didn't even look at it, I didn't even go on a tour. So then, of course, I was in panic mode. I was like, oh my gosh, like this is not how this was meant to be, and everything like that. And that was really difficult. Um, you know, I was I was I felt anxious all the time. Um, so I was like, okay, we've just got and my mum really tried to like, come on, we've got this. We're let's just see what we what we can do, what's gonna work out, everything like that. So I decided to go down and meet the head teacher of the school. So I went down, had a tour, met the head teacher. Um, and even though it was a nice school, for me to do 10 miles round trip, you were gonna have to knock me off my socks. Like it was gonna have to be the most amazing school I've ever seen. And even though it was very lovely, there wasn't enough there to make me want to do that trip. So anyway, I ended up calling the council and I said, Look, I know the rules are that you can't go on the waiting list for other schools. Um, but as we all know, it's a low birth rate year. I've made a mistake. Please put me back on these lists. So anyway, she did because there were gaps everywhere. So I went back on the list and um within I think it was less than a week and a half, maybe even a week, I got a message. You know, you get these like confidential emails that you have to log into. So I got this message saying, We've got a place for you at this other school, the one that I'd battled over whether I should send him or I shouldn't send him. Okay. So I was happier that we were a step closer, but I still had my views on that school and how I felt about it as a teacher. So I was like, I I still and then other things happened past that point, which made that school even more of a no for me. Um, and I was just like, Do I before if we could if we had to go there, I kind of would have been okay about it. Then some other things happened and I was like, I'm not, I'm not really okay about it now, and I need to get first choice school. So when all the application had gone in, I and it was like I think you had the 30th or April or something. On the first, I called the school and I said, look, just wanted to kind of know where we are on the waiting list. And they were like, You're fourth. And I was thinking, gosh, I really was hoping to be first, but anyway, I'm fourth out of 19 who all want it as their first choice. So it was funnily enough, you know, all these schools are under subscribed, but of course the one that I really want is oversubscribed and has this big waiting list. Um, so yeah, we went, um, and I was then I just felt anxious, and I just felt like I was sitting with this anxiety on a daily basis, thinking this is the school that I want my child to go to. I we're not getting in. Like, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna navigate all of this? But also what was important to me, it wasn't just the other school had a lot of family setups that don't represent my family setup. Whereas the school that I wanted him to go to represents, I feel, much more diversity within family setups and you know, everyone's backgrounds are just really diverse. And I felt that that was really important for him to grow up surrounded by different um, you know, different people who are in different financial situations, people who live in different home situations, people who come from different family situations. Um, whereas I felt like the other school was much more set on that kind of 2.4 family and um, you know, everything like that. This school that I want, I felt was better for us in the kind of diverse way that I wanted it to be. So anyway, you know, sort of time was going on. And but you know, everyone was on my was on my team. The friends were on my team, they were like, don't worry about it, I'm sure it's gonna happen, I feel it. Other people who'd got in who were really hoping for my child to get in as well were like checking in. Have you heard anything? Have you heard anything? Like, don't panic, don't worry, it's gonna happen for you. Um, and what I was worried about was that my child um can get a little bit overwhelmed and take some time to settle. And I didn't want to miss those settling in days, you know, that were happening in June. I was thinking, oh gosh, like we're gonna miss this. So it was like a ball of anxiety while this was all going on. Um, but literally just the other week, the email came out of nowhere, was not expecting it. He'd got a place. I cried. There I am at work. The children are out on break. I'm sitting at my desk crying. Um, and I was just, I was so relieved and so happy that I'd gotten over this big challenge. You know, I'd survived it by myself. You know, we've done it, it's okay. Um and I was um, yeah, I was really pleased with that. I was really happy um that that'd happen. But you know, we're all good, we're gonna come across so many things that are are difficult to say, you know, what I find really difficult on my own is um stuff to do with health. When do you go to hospital? When do you not go to hospital? You know, and even though my family are 20 out of 10, I can't, I feel like I shouldn't have to rely on them all the time. You know, we've been to A E numerous times. My mum has sat in one of those chairs for 16 hours, you know, with me, supporting me. And that's fantastic. So I can't be like, oh my gosh, like I'm a single parent and I and I don't have anything, I don't have the support. I I have it. Um, it's not obviously the same as having somebody right there who's the other parent who's, you know, helping you make all the decisions, and you don't have to burden your friends as much or your or your family as much. Luckily, I'm in a setup where they all take it very well. Um, but making, I still have to make that decision. Does your child need to go to hospital or is your child going to be okay? I'm the one who sits up all night watching the breathing, checking the temperature, you know, and that's very difficult. And I and I do find that aside very hard. I would love for someone else to be there to be like, actually, do you know what? I think we're okay. Like, don't worry, like we've got this, or take it in turns. You know, I've never been in a situation where somebody else can take a turn. You know, when the moments are tough and the moments are bad and the crying for or the little tantrums or whatever, you know, what was going on when they were two and things like that. There's never a moment for you to take a breather and someone else to step in when you're home on your own. Um, you know, you do everything through the nights on your own. I have to admit though, there are there have been occasions where I have broken into my parents at 2am because I am, I need another opinion, and I'm so lucky that that is okay and that I can go and do that, and that we're close enough to do that. Um, and I do kind of wait to, you know, for example, like my child is absolutely besotted with my dad. Um, and getting medicine into him when he was younger was so I mean, I'm not joking. I have bargained and bribed this child for two or three hours to try and take a bit of cowpol or something like that. So there have been occasions where I've just had to, I have a go bag now. I always have a go bag because we mend up in hospital, you know, we've been in hospital before, we've been really hungry, or we haven't, you know, haven't I haven't been ready. So I am ready now. You know, the bag's got everything that I needed to go to the hospital in, um, or if we need to leave quickly to go to my parents or something, and I need a few things, I always have that ready now because we've had to be in these situations, I think, so many times. But I have in desperation for him to take medicine, I have gone over at in all hours and let myself in to wake up my dad to say, Please can you give my child this medicine? Um, and I feel bad doing that. Um, but at the same time, I want to avoid hospital unnecessarily, you know, because I know that if he takes this, he's gonna be okay. Um, so yeah, so that is definitely the part that I being on my own is the hardest, is making those um situation those health situations, making those calls by yourself, having to be the one to decide do you think he's gonna be okay or that he needs to be seen by someone? Um, and then my next um biggest thing is obviously the nights. You know, my child's four now, but I think he slept through the night three times, maybe four at a push. So when he was a baby, he I think I stopped counting around 20 times. Once I hit the 20 times where I had to get up to him. 20 wake-ups. Yeah, I just stopped. I just stopped counting. And then one of the reasons when he was younger was that I don't know how there's so little, so I it just perplexes me to know how. But my baby wanted to sleep on his front. He would not sleep on his back. And you could just see him in the basket trying to flip his body. I was like, how is this even happening? He was doing everything he could to try and flip himself until eventually he would get himself up enough to then roll over onto his front. Obviously, we know that that's not safe sleeping. That's not, and of course, that was it. Anxiety was through the roof. I was like, I how am I ever gonna sleep again? Like, and every time he tried to put him on his back, he just wouldn't settle, he wouldn't have it. So I tried to reason with him in the middle. Do you know what I mean? In the sense of um maybe side sleeping, where I was hoping he would just kind of stay a bit on his side. Anyway, I went through it all. In the end, I bought an outlet and it changed my life. A what? An outlet. It's like a sock that you put on the baby and it monitors the baby's breathing and everything like that. I'd read about it, and that just changed it all for me. Even though my anxiety didn't go away fully, it calmed me enough that I could accept because I wasn't getting away from front sleeping, it wasn't gonna happen. Um, and baby had a dummy, and the reason why the wake-ups were even more was because he was on his front. Every time he turned his head, out came the dummy. It just got pushed out every time he turned, and then he wanted it back. So at six months I had to make the decision that the dummy had to go because we hadn't slept. Um, so dummy had to go two very solid bad weeks, um, obviously without the dummy, but then we got over it. But then, you know, everyone was like, four months regression, whatever. My my everyday was a regression. There just wasn't, you know, it did I did it all. Whatever you could do that was told that you could do. Now, the only thing that I didn't do, I don't know whether it would have made a difference or it wouldn't have made a difference, and I found it very difficult was the whole letting them cry training. You know, people do that sleep training where they let them cry. Um, I tried to do it, um, but my baby wasn't gonna stop crying, and I just, oh, it was breaking my heart. I just could I just couldn't do it. Um, I did try and give it a go for a week and it just wasn't really happening, it wasn't really working. Um, and also he was the baby that needed to be rocked to sleep. So I had to hold baby and for up to an hour, whatever it took for him to go to sleep. Um and then and then, of course, as he got older and he didn't need rocking, you still couldn't leave the room. You know, you had to be a physical touch, you had to be there. Obviously, that eventually turned into sort of sitting on the floor next to them. But even now, you know, um there has to, you know, it could be up to an hour before sleep actually happens, and I have to stay in the room. Um, I have actually, I'm probably completely jinxing myself, but we did have a couple of nights this week where he actually, once I'd done the whole bedtime routine and gave him a kiss and a cuddle, and we'd had the put the Tony box, Tony box is a game changer, put the Tony box on, and I was able to leave the room and I would just say to him, Mummy, we'll come and check on you. I'd pop back in, give him a cuddle, check on him, go out. So actually, he then fell asleep by himself for a couple of nights in a row. Um, the heat has now ruined that. But anyway, hopefully, I'm hoping that's a step forward in some way. Um, but yeah, so we just we just went on, and everyone's like, Oh, it's just the newborn stage, don't worry, it's just the six-month phase, oh, it's just the year phase, and time has just crept on and on and on where this child has not slept, um, you know, has not slept through the night. Um, we did get to a point where we were down to about eight wake-ups um when he was in the threes, we were down to about eight wake-ups a night. Um, and then now we've we got sort of to the late threes and we've hit the fours. We're probably about two. Okay. Two wake-ups. Um so you know, but you're by this point, your whole sleep, yourself is just is shot. You know, your body doesn't know what it's doing, it doesn't know whether to sleep, it's not sleeping, it wakes you up for no reason, you know, I'm everywhere.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:54

So the my question here is obviously, you know, I'm hearing the story and I'm hearing that um you've you've found ways to like you found techniques, you found tactics, you found your little tricks. What do you do or are you even able to think about what you do for your sort of sanity through that? Because at this point now we are four years in. What do you do for your sanity?

SPEAKER_03 1:03:28

There isn't anything you can do. I wanted my baby, I have my baby, my baby is the way my baby is. Um is it the dream in that kind of setup? No. But I just accept uh what I'm given, you know, and I do whatever I can to make it the best that I can that I can make it. Um I don't do me time, you know, I don't go to yoga, I don't there's none of that, you know. Even if I get my nails done, he comes with me. Um majority of the time. Now my family are fantastic, and if I, you know, once a year in particular, I celebrate a couple of friends' birthdays and they will take him for the so I can go out for lunch and things like that, they're they will have the the child, but I also don't feel it's their responsibility to give up their time to have my child for me to go off and do things. Now, once a month I go out with the mums for dinner and we stay over at my mum's house, which is you know great, and they do that. And again, if I really need to go somewhere or something really important, you know, they would have him. But I try and keep those moments for you've got to go to the hospital, you know, or it's a really special friend's birthday, or something like that. I can't take it for I need to go and have a massage, I need to go to the spa, I need to, you know, do a Pilates class. Um, I just feel like that that time will for me will have to come later. Um, and I, you know, I accept that. Um I have had moments where I actually thought that I wasn't gonna survive if I didn't close my eyes. Um, so I have had to drive to my parents' house on some occasions um on a non-working day and ask my dad just to watch him. I've got to lie down for 20 minutes because I just don't think I'm gonna make it through the day. And I can't ever risk, you know, being asleep when I've got him. He's too little, anything could happen. Um, and also he wouldn't have let it. He'd just be tapping my face, whispering in my ear, you know, throwing something at me, whatever. That's not gonna happen anyway. Um, but you find a deep, deep inner, you've got this. And you just yeah, you are just resilient to the core because you have to be. But you know what, there are times where I felt so overwhelmed. Because on top of that, you know, it's not just I'm at home with my child, I'm a teacher. You know, I work three days a week at school, I've got all the school commitments that come with that. All the stuff that has to be done in the evening. I also have to make up for that we're one person paying all of these bills. And you know, my mortgage is the same as everyone else, my childcare costs the same as everybody else. My bills are the same as everyone else, but I am the only person in putting to the pot here. And I have to make that happen. So there's a lot of um, you know, um other stuff that's going on in the evenings once my child is asleep for the first part that's going on. I'm also trying to start my own business. So I am working two jobs anyway, and trying to start a third to better our lives and put us into a better situation. And, you know, I'm already on zero and I'm trying to get, and then of course, you have everything. You have life admin. Someone has to, you know, make sure that the house is not falling apart, um, which it is most of the time, and and all of that. So there's a lot of outside of other stuff that, you know, I do get overwhelmed much more than I would pre-baby. Um, and I have, you know, I have called on a friend who is just fantastic. And all I have to say to her is, I'm really feeling overwhelmed. Could you help me? She's come over so many times. She just came over and tried to think, right, how can we store this? How can we put this? Let's sort this out. You know, she's just come round and just really, and just to have that support has meant more than I think she would even know. Um, to have her be able to come and do those things and help me out in that way, just to relieve that, you know. If I was my mum, mum's come over numerous times, you know, to sort some bits out and do this and do that. Because, you know, you're trying to have, you know, your life on the go and everything your child has, and you know, way too many toys, of course, and you know, all of this sort of stuff. And then you've got all of your own things, you're trying to start a business in your living room, you know, it's a lot, and there's not a lot of space for it. So there's definitely um a lot of overwhelming feelings that have come with that type of stuff and managing that. And um, if it wasn't for my friends and my family, um, I don't think I would be here with a smile on my face and and just dealing with whatever I have to. Um, because they have, I just don't feel like I could have experienced my last four years on my own and being okay. You know, I think I'm okay because of these moments in time where someone comes to save you. Um, and I know that everyone doesn't have that, and I my heart goes out to all those people who just, you know, are on their own with their child and they just don't have that type of um backup situation. Um, but you know, you do what you have to do to try and make your lives better and just suck it up really and get on with it. And, you know, he'll be going to school in September, and I'm going to go to a Pilates class. So the me time will um will hopefully start a little bit then when he's um when he's out there five days a week, and um I can be working on my business and you know, having some time hopefully to do some classes and f just have a moment, I suppose, to myself.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:02

Brieve. So I've got two closing questions for you. The first question is, and I think you've partially answered that. Do you think it gets better with time?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:15

I think, you know, everything gets better. You are always going to have problems, but you have to solve them because there's no other way. You can't just be like, oh, forget that problem, that's not gonna happen. You'll just find a way around it. But I would say my family is absolutely my village, and my friends are an extension of that village. And, you know, had I not put myself out there, I wouldn't have had what I have. I had to put myself out there to make this happen. You know, I know that there are people who have babies who don't go to classes or they don't do this or they don't do that, and they just kind of live in their own bubble. But, you know, everybody needs some form of village. And um, it was really important to me that I had that. Obviously, I thought of NCT very early on. Yes, I know it's obviously not the cheapest for everybody, but I made that work because it was really important to me. So I gave up other things that were not as important. Um, so having that NCT is a fantastic starting point, making sure I took the baby out and went to the classes. And you know what? I'm a yes person as well. You know, if somebody says, Do you want to go here today? Do you want to go that? Can you come to my party? Can you, do you want to do this? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I can make it work and I can make it happen, I will absolutely be there. I think I've been to 15 four-year-old parties in the last two months. And I've done that because A, people come up for my child, people show up for my child. So I will show up for yours, you know, and also I want my child, you know, he was very shy, you know, he needed warming up time. And even when he was able to speak, he would say, I need warming up time. And I've just not let it go, you know. I've carried on, carried on. We still go to this activity, we'll still try this, we'll still go and see friends. No, even if he's feeling a bit unsure. And now he's just turning into this so much more sociable and more confident. Like fours have just knocked me out of the park. I was like, wow, all these firsts that have happened for us that happened for people maybe when their child was two, we've taken longer, but we're getting there. And I'm so proud of him, you know, and everything like that. But I would just say that, you know, you have to put yourself out there to, you have to give to get back as well, you know. And you just need to find your people who are like you, who will be there for you. You know, like I count a really good friend as somebody who'd get out of bed for you in the middle of the night. And I can tell you that I have got some friends that I would absolutely pick up my child in the middle of the night and go to them for whatever they needed right there and right then. And I wouldn't have found them if I hadn't done what I had done and spoken to people and got as involved and um stayed as active and connected as I've tried to do. I mean, I could stay at home when I am at home and fill my time 20 times over. But I will leave my, you know, today I I looked at my house and I thought, oh my gosh, this you should be at home. You should need to sort this out. But no, it's Monday. We're going trampolining. That's what we do. So off we went and forget about it, you know, and I'll do some other things today, and then I'll go home and I'll try and deal with what I can later. But I try and make sure that we stick to what we're doing, keep doing the activities, meet up with the friends, be present, and you know, and that is what has helped me get to be fine.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:50

That was really good. That was really good. My other question was, what would you say if you got to meet the Beth of you know, meet pregnancy thinking I'm I'm going towards this on my own? But I also kind of have the feeling that you've already uh answered that in very different ways, in multiple ways. Um, but what would you say here?

SPEAKER_03 1:13:16

I would just say, you know, you come from a hardcore family who are there, who step up for each other, whatever it is, and they're gonna they're gonna be there for you and you're gonna be okay, and you're gonna make it okay. You know, you are going to dig deep as you do. I mean, we've had all of us have had many challenges throughout lives pre-children. I've had many challenges myself that I've been in very difficult situations, where I come out the other side, and now here I am with the love of my life who I waited for forever. And whatever those difficulties are, I'm gonna end up crying now. I will I will make it work, I will make it happen because you're everything that I ever wanted, and you're just my dream. However, you come in your sleepless nights. We're losing her. You know, you uh you uh yeah, I would I would do it all again 20 times in the same way to have him and to have him have completed my life the way that he has. I think we will stop here. Oh dear, but yeah. Just whatever your dream is when it comes to a child, don't ever think that you can't do it yourself. You can make it happen, and you know, even if you don't have the family that I have, I didn't have the friends that I'm talking about before, and I have them now, and that was just from having my baby and making sure I was going out and doing these things and and building them. Um, and I'm just so grateful for everyone I call as a mum friend who are there for us and they're just fantastic. And, you know, I hope I give back as much as they give to me. Well, thank you so much, Beth, for sharing your story. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. I hope it gives somebody some form of hope and realizing that you just find your inner strength and you'll be fine.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:20

I'm sure it will, because I think at the end of the day, obviously today it was your story, but I think there are so many parts of your story that can be applied to different situations. Thank you so much, Beth, for sharing your life experience. I hugely appreciate your generosity in what you've shared. Um, and thank you so much, and let's speak very soon again.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:40

You're welcome. Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:42

Thanks so much. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Beth, thank you. Thank you for coming to this place with such openness, such energy, and such honesty. You didn't just share your story, you shared your blueprint. And I think that is going to mean everything to someone listening today. What stayed with me the most from this conversation is not the hard part. You were so honest about those two. It is the intentionality. The fact that you looked at your situation, decided what you needed, and went out and built it. Piece by piece, group by group, yes, by yes. Because this is what a village actually is. It's not something that just happens to you. Sometimes it is something that you have to choose to create, and Beth, you chose it for yourself and for your son. And that is one of the most powerful things that a parent ever can do. To every single parent listening today, whether you are in the thick of the sleepless night, or facing a decision you wish you didn't have to make alone, or simply wondering where on earth you're going to find the energy to keep it going. I hope this episode felt like a hand on your shoulder. You are not doing this alone. This is what this village is here for. If this episode resonated with you, please share it. Pass it to the single parent in your life who needs to hear this today. Leave a review, tell a friend. Every single share helps this village grow a little bigger. Your son is growing up watching a mother who moves mountains. He is a lucky little boy. As always, thank you for listening, for being part of the village, and I'll see you in the next episode. Bye-bye. Giving me the space to keep bringing you thoughtful and honest conversations. You can find all past episodes on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Amazon Music, YouTube, or wherever you usually listen. And you can follow the show there, add some new episodes, then straight into your feed. If you'd like to get in touch, share feedback or suggest a story. You can find me on Instagram at raising with the village. I always love hearing from you. And if this podcast has resonated with you, one of the best ways to support it is by subscribing, rating, leaving a review, or sharing an episode with someone who might need it. It truly makes a difference and helps these stories reach the people who need them most. Thank you for being part of the village, and I'll see you next time. Bye bye.